Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent - "Crack a Bottle"
Look, I understand each one of these dudes were phenomenally successful at some point during the past decade, but does anyone actually care anymore? Eminem sounded dreadfully bored on his last record and has since spent his downtime making sizable deposits in the ol' booty bank thanks allegedly to stress-related binge eating. Dr. Dre's Detox usurped Chinese Democracy's crown as the go-to perennially delayed, possibly fictional album by an aging superstar. 50 Cent is a smart dude, but his audience turned on him after he underestimated their intelligence one too many times, and now can't even keep his MTV reality show on the air, which makes him less of a cultural powerhouse than Tila Tequila. Are we really supposed to consider a joint single by this three-headed hydra of past-their-peak rappers some sort of event? Apparently!
If you're among the several who are legitimately excited about the prospect of these three getting together on a track, you might want to dial your expectations a bit, since "Crack a Bottle" sounds less than legendary and more like a slightly better-than-average Gym Class Heroes song. The sing-songy Em hook seems like it was one of 50's bad ideas, a theory which is lent creedence by 50's also sing-songy verse. Eminem doesn't sound particularly rejuvenated, but he also doesn't try to pass anything as bad as "Just Lose It" here, so I'll call this a win, even though I'm kind of grossed out by the way he says "Tahoe."
50 sounds weirdly tearful on his verse, like he just realized his formula-- not the Vitamin Water formula, but the songwriting formula--doesn't work anymore.
Of the three, Dr. Dre acquits himself the best, which is awesome for him, seeing as how he's about to turn 44 years old and, ghost writers or not, relatively elderly rappers rarely sound better than embarrassing. Good for him.
"Crack a Bottle" would be decent as a midtempo album cut, but as an event single, it's dudsville, dudes.
Recommended If You Like: 213, seeing the Sugar Hill Gang at your county fair, day-old sushi
Rating: 12/50 Bottles of Formula 50
The Decemberists - "The Rake's Song"
Holy cow, the drums sound terrible on this song. Also, this song is not about gardening at all. I call shenanigans!
Recommended If You Like: Death Cab for Cutie, a wussier version of late model Spoon, when word nerds make grammatical mistakes (you don't "remember it clear," you "remember it clearly," Colin)
Rating: 69/100 Antique Dictionaries
Neil Young - Fork in the Road
We'll cut Neil Young some slack for making lazy blues that sounds like a shambling take on ZZ Top because, well, because he's Neil Young. I will say it's phenomenally weird, though, to hear him sing the phrase "keep on blogging" on this end-of-session cast-off recording. About halfway through, Neil simultaneously sells/reviews the song by singing, "Download this/ Sounds like sh*t." Brief and accurate.
Recommended If You Like: Paul Westerberg and other self-aware aging rockers who have discovered the power of internet immediacy
Rating: 14/24 lazy social critiques
The Lonely Island (feat. T-Pain) - "I'm on a Boat"
The difference between this and the above Eminem/Dr. Dre/50 Cent song is that "I'm on a Boat" actually sounds like something that might get played on the radio in 2009.
Recommended If You Like: Young Jeezy, Plies, doing flips on a dolphin
Rating: 57/70 bottles of Santana Champagne
Beyonce - "Si Yo Fuera Un Chico"
This version of "If I Were a Boy" isn't Beyonce's first Spanish translation of one of her hits. What's interesting is that, even though she doesn't speak Spanish, her pronunciation is pretty good. A dude named Rudy Perez has been responsible for rewriting her songs in Spanish and teaching her how to sing them phonetically, which is kind of fascinating to me. If I were him, I'd be tempted to make her say wildly inappropriate things, but this (along with a staggering lack of talent) is why I'm not afforded these opportunities.
Recommended If You Like: Beyonce, except, you know, in Spanish
Rating: 44/68 Telenovelas
Jadakiss - "Can't Stop Me"
Tired vague gangsta-isms over what's actually a pretty nice soul beat that references Marvin and Tammi's "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." He makes a point to call out ringtone rappers, but this is barely more challenging than anything Flo-Rida does, which is disappointing because Jadakiss is actually capable of more.
Recommended If You Like: Beanie Sigel, Fabolous, Rocafella ca. 2001
Rating: 17/30 Gun-Related Punchlines Daniel Merriweather (feat. Wale) - "Change"
This is easily my favorite new single of the week. Judging by Daniel Merriweather's relationship with Mark Ronson (he's appeared on two of Ronson's "solo" albums), I'm guessing the horns on "Change" are played by members of the magnificent Dap-Kings. Throw in a couple of tight verses from promising MC Wale, and Merriweather has surrounded himself with enough talent to make this little nugget of propulsive soul a total jam even if he didn't really bring anything to the party himself. Thankfully, he does.
Recommended If You Like: Jamie Lidell, Robin Thicke, things that are awesome
Rating: 78/89 Workout Playlists Made Up of Only This Song
-- Jeff Reguilon
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